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Maria Bamford Spins 12 Anxieties Into the Perfect Holiday Gifts

Hey! Have you experienced existential dread, a crippling fear of death, or you were certain that 2020 was the dawn of the apocalypse? Cheer up! Maria Bamford is spinning these anxieties into 12 perfect gifts for the 12 days of Christmas. In her holiday special, “Ave Maria Bamford,” the comedian shines a silver lining on some of life’s darkest scenarios, like dying young, financial ruin, and the end of the world. It turns out we’ve all just been looking at these in the wrong way. Thankfully, we have Bamford’s spiritual guidance to turn our perspective-frowns upside down. You will never look at life’s problems the same way again. Be sure to watch “Ave Maria Bamford” on Topic for the full sermon.

1. The Gift of Mental Illness

Just look at Maria—she’s made millions off of mental illness! Hey, profiting off of it is OK as long as you give back.

2. The Gift of Climate Change

Climate change takes the uncertainty out of not knowing how the world will end. Isn’t that a relief?

3. The Gift of Loss (the System Has Failed You)

It’s only after you’ve lost everything—like healthcare, housing, and religion—that you’re free to do anything.

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4. The Gift of Dying Young

Dying young guarantees that you’ll always stay in top physical shape. Just look at Jesus. He’s going to be hot for eternity.

5. The Gift of Addiction

Being an addict gives you a community: Alcoholics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, etc. So many communities, and they all come with free donuts and coffee!

6. The Gift of Being a Single Mother

This one comes with multiple benefits:

  1. You make your own decisions
  2. More closet space
  3. It’s the best excuse to get out of anything

7. The Gift of Relationship Failure

No more compromising on what restaurant to go to. No more caring about the other person’s feelings. No more pants!

8. The Gift of Financial Ruin

If you’re lonely, all you have to do is stop paying your bills and you’ll start getting a ton of letters and calls—and sometimes visits!

9. The Gift of Loneliness

When you hit rock bottom, you can always call a hotline and someone will be there for you.

10. The Gift of Unspeakable Tragedy

It’s like a get-out-of-jail-free card for talking to other humans.

11. The Gift of Body Dysmorphia

Being obsessed with your appearance allows you to avoid thinking about other problems, like poverty and climate change.

12. The Gift of the End of the World

Preparing for the apocalypse means getting to start over in your own world, where you can finally—FINALLY—be alone. Finally.

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